Every year, thousands of families lose a baby during pregnancy or at birth. However, perinatal death remains a taboo subject. How can we talk to parents faced with such a tragedy? Who can we turn to? What is the role of medical teams in these delicate situations? 

It is an extreme pain. The kind that we cannot imagine, so unfathomable it seems. There is no word to name parents grieving the loss of their child. We are orphans when we have lost our parents, but no term designates the person who has lost their child.

Some parents feel the need to find a name that would better describe their situation after this tragedy. The terms parange, mamange and papange, neologisms formed with the words parent, maman, papa and ange, can then be used by people who have just lost their baby. These words are also widely used on social networks, where people affected by this tragedy can, thanks to these keywords, find each other and share their ways of overcoming their loss.

Perinatal bereavement follows the loss of a child from the 22nd week of amenorrhea (WA) to the 7th day of life after birth. This concerns thousands of families worldwide. Perinatal mortality includes stillbirth and early neonatal mortality.

Among all deaths related to perinatal mortality, a distinction is made between stillbirth (children born stillborn due to spontaneous fetal death or medical termination of pregnancy) and early neonatal mortality (children born alive but died during their first week).

The announcement of the death of a child or the serious illness that will lead to this fatal outcome is, of course, always a shock for parents. In a few moments, life changes, time stops forever. Nothing will be the same again. Whether it is a fetal death in utero or a medical termination of pregnancy (MTP), we are never prepared to experience such a tragedy. Pain and shock mix with incomprehension, then loneliness.

For those around them, it is important to keep in mind that the place occupied by a baby who has not yet been born is not the same for everyone. For some people, at 4 months of pregnancy, the fetus is already perceived as a real baby, with whom a fantasy relationship has begun. Others have not yet invested in this child, they consider it as an abstract thing that they do not want to talk about and that they will also avoid naming. Nevertheless, in all situations, the emergence of death in the very place of life causes a collapse, an unspeakable pain.

October 15 is the day dedicated worldwide to raising awareness of perinatal bereavement. This can be an opportunity for parents or their entourage to find an association, for example, that would communicate on this occasion, and could support them and help them overcome this trauma. It is indeed towards associations dedicated to perinatal bereavement that many parents turn when they lose a child. These structures have multiplied over the last ten years. They offer support and listening, often with a forum, generally very active.

Since perinatal bereavement is still a taboo subject, this World Awareness Day is a way to develop discussions on this topic and to be able to approach it a little more calmly. Many couples feel left out after the departure of their child. They often feel their loved ones moving away, perhaps out of fear of contacting them, out of fear of their reactions, or even to avoid thinking about this terrible upheaval.

While on the contrary, the “Paranges” need all the support of their loved ones. They are going through one, if not the worst ordeal of their entire life. Losing a child is a terribly painful ordeal, it is very important for bereaved parents, also called “Paranges”, “Mamanges” and “Papanges” to feel supported rather than ignored.

On the professional side, there is of course still progress to be made. Helping parents overcome this traumatic event is not a given. Specific diplomas and training on perinatal bereavement have emerged, to enable teams to listen to parents at this particular time. But, in reality, support varies greatly from one department to another. Obviously, "what we would like is for a trained person, a psychologist or midwife, to be able to support parents from the announcement of perinatal bereavement and why not after".

Since everyone is different, has different feelings, emotions and reactions, this article also allows us to make you aware of the weight of words... Some people are more or less sensitive to perinatal grief. Indeed, for some, it would be easier to overcome a death in utero, comments like "It is better to have lost him before than after birth" or "You will have time to have other children" can be extremely hurtful. Even said with all possible gentleness, couples who have just lost a baby absolutely do not need or want to hear this and will therefore prefer to remain silent. Playing down this kind of situation is not necessarily beneficial.

It is important for loved ones to remember that no one is able to understand the pain of losing a child unless they have experienced it themselves. But, it is also important for parents to understand that it is complicated, for a person who has never experienced such an upheaval, to imagine the pain felt. It is of course normal to be in pain, to feel angry, to be sad, to feel helpless in the face of this situation, but few people can understand that this sadness can last for several months, or even several years.